This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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