Old men and throwing up are my life now.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
