i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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