Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
