Need sex. Gaining weight.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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