zippers are such a cool invention
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
