3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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