i already hear my dad disowning me
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
