I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
