Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
