i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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