i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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