your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
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