i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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