Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
