well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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