my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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