Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
