So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
