Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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