Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
