Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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