When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
