Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
