I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
