The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
