Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
They took my balls.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My ass is underappreciated
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
