Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Randomize
