So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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