I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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