So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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