So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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