and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Did I show you my penis last night?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize