there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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