Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
