why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
