I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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