Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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