Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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