We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
