Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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