you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
