I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
