Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
