4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
