uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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