FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
