what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
