My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
