i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
a search helicopter?!
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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