hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize