If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
