so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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