Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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