Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
