I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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